Disney Mythology - Take That Walt!

As per my promise from last week, I have decided to deconstruct the happy endings of some of my favorite Disney movies. I was once told that Disney fairytales are to blame for the utter insane demands that women place on their relationships. If we lose a shoe, we demand it be returned as part of some grand romantic gesture; if we are somehow outsmarted by a loom we hope that our boyfriends would battle a gigantic dragon to save us; and we would only hope that he would forego his need for oxygen to defend our honor against a giant octopus.

As girls, we hope to find a man willing to sacrifice all to be with us. We believe in the undying ability of love to make people do extraordinary things. Then, we grow up. We realize that men are inherently lazy creatures who won't get off the recliner to do a dish let alone travel across the countryand battle mythological, fire-breathing creatures. Disney movies lie. Not only have I never met a man willing to go above and beyond, but I have also never had a bird land on my finger and sing to me. Bullshit.

So, the three movies I have decided to concentrate on in this blog (even though there are so many) are the following:

Beauty and the Beast

OK, so after Belle ineffectually fights off a group of fire wielding villagers, the Beast turns into this incredibly sexy prince who then wants nothing more than to be with her. They dance as a throng of adoring faces watches on. First of all, any man that good looking would never settle down right away, especially when he's spent the last however many years looking like a giant bear. He would want to "explore", "date around", see what else that provincial town has for him to sink his teeth into. While Belle is beautiful, she is a little homely and would no doubt return post-break-up to her father's cockamamey cottage, using the mirror to stalk the prince every chance she gets. She winds up alone, a local librarian who refuses to stock fairytales. No happy ending here.

Sleeping Beauty

First of all, he falls in love with her because he finds her singing the following lyrics in the middle of the forest: "I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam. Yes, I know it's truethat visions are seldom all they seem, But if I know you, I know what you'll do, You'll love me at oncethe way you did once upon a dream." First of all, there is nothing endearing about singing to yourself and various forms of wildlife. It makes you crazy, not enchanting. Secondly, all any man would have to hear is that this crazy woman is also waiting with bated breath for a man she has only met in her dreams. Fantastic. Actually, I am going to try this in Central Park at some point. I will capture an owl and a squirrel, sing this song, and wait for a tall, blonde, modelesque man to join me in the chorus. Oh wait. I have to make the following distinction - he must be straight. See? Won't ever happen.

Little Mermaid

So, Prince Eric falls in love with Ariel regardless of the fact that she doesn't have a voicebox. This makes complete sense - I think all of my male friends wish that their girlfriend's fortuitously lost their ability to speak. This is not hard to believe. What is hard to believe is that after Eric abandons Ariel (because he is "hypnotized" by Ursula), Ariel takes him back. Yeah, OK. She would convince herself that he jumped ship (sorry, couldn't resist the pun) because of Ursula's otherworldly skills in the bedroom, be unable to forgive him and retaliate by finding herslef a very sexy, very available merman. Her "whole new world" would be one "undah da sea". Sebastian would be ecstatic.