Hello all. I've been thinking a lot lately about marriage in your twenties. It is inevitable that the marital status of our friends, or at least former classmates, becomes public thanks to social networking sites. As a result, I am increasingly surprised by how many of my fello 25 year olds (or younger) are married, and even parents! What makes us think, at 25, that we're ready to spend (conceivably) the next 55 years of our life with the same person? According to the National Center for Health Statistics:
60 percent of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. — National Center for Health Statistics
50 percent of all marriages in which the brides are 25 or older result in a failed marriage. — National Center for Health Statistics
Now, I am not about to offer up a reason for this trend. However, I am going to give my assessment of marriage in your twenties, and why I will never be married before I am 30...if I ever choose to take that plunge in the first place.
I suppose I will start with my opinion about what my twenties have been like. To say they have been tumultuous would be an unfair understatement. Who I was at 23 - what I wanted, what I thought I wanted, what I would tolerate, and what I needed - was completely different from the 25 year old seedling I am now. Your twenties are a time of constant evolution...or is that just me? I would absolutely love to hear your take on it.
While many would say that finding your counterpart would also imply finding someone to grow with, I would argue that why grow with someone instead of putting a most complete you out there and finding a complement that way? Maybe I'm just completely off-base but those statistics frighten me...I don't want to have a "shot in hell" if I get married...but rather a pretty good chance of surviving because we are two mature individuals who have been through our share of experiences and are ready to settle down and share our lives with one another. When married between the ages of 30-34, your chance of divorce drops dramatically - 8.5% for women and 11.6 percent for men (divorce rate.org)
Hell, maybe I'm way off base and maybe the schizophrenic experience that has been my twenties is not at all indicative of what one's quarter-life should be...but even so, with statistics like that - I ask, "Why bother?"
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Response part 1:
ReplyDeleteNope, you are right on track and using your brain in a rough situation. Marriages are kind of unrealistic in that they are sticking two people together, having them create lives together, when usually, neither person really knows who they are them-self. It's hard to know who you are when your dealing with the crap of someone else and trying to make house payments and get the kids to soccer.
Marriages were mostly created for population control and for beefing up the congregation of whatever religious institution needed more bodies, while also telling women not to go with natural instinct and bang the alpha males because the babies would be strongest and have a better chance to survive than those created with the weaker males.
Marriages became a security blanket for women as they were used to give her a home and a protector, while the man had a steady piece of ass and a warm meal waiting for him. When society advanced and women started working, the role of marriage didn't change, and now is just starting to catch up.
People tend to get married young for a hand full of reasons. (These are written as how I think women see things...)
Peer pressure: This is either going to come from family or friends, and it doesn't help wherever it comes from. A lot of families want girls to be taken care of, so they push them to seek a guy that looks amazing on paper. This is similar with friends as women like to compete and have to one up each other for the best catch.
These marriages don't last because the good on paper guy is usually lame and/or abusive as he needs to control everything and so the woman ends up doing the pool boy because he's adventurous and treats her the way she should be treated.
Knocked up: People don't know how to use birth control and the girl gets knocked up with a litter. Some guys still stick with old values and ask the mom to be for her hand in marriage cause "it's the right thing to do."
These tend to have FAIL written all over them because most of the time neither one really wanted the kid and neither one really knew the other person well before they got hitched. With the stresses of the runt, they only see fault in the other for the dreadful life they now have and so they cheat on one another and get divorced.
Rose tinted glasses: You go out on a date and meet the man of your dreams. Both of you click on every connection possible and you don't see why you should let this amazing piece of man meat get away from you. 6 months later you are throwing the dishes at this lazy piece of shit who skips out of work to get drunk with his buddies.
Response part 2:
ReplyDeleteWith this said, some people can stick these silly reasons out and make something last... some times longer than it even should.
But the issue is that both people need to know who they are, or have a good idea of it anyway. The reason for this is simple: in today's society with all it's social networking sites, text messages, both people working, and instant gratification ways, if people don't know who they are, the other person can never trust them and will be bombarded by other suitors. If they person you with is not living up to what you expect of them, guess what? That cute person 4 cubicles down from you might be the next best thing (at least until you find someone better).
Also, people love each other in different ways at different times. One day you may be at 50% love, the next you might feel 75% love. Two weeks later it could be 30% love. A month later it could spike to 100% love. This is natural, but most people tend to ride the waves only so far.
Here is the best quote I have seen in a long while on the subject...
"Commitment is the ability to sustain an investment, to honor values over momentary feelings. The irony, of course, is that while we want happiness, it isn't a moment-by-moment experience; the deepest, most enduring form of happiness is the result of sustained emotional investments in other people."
Both people need to have the want and desire to make it work, like any relationship. That means that you have to deal with the worst if you want to be around to enjoy the better. You have to go in knowing that one or both of you are gonna fuck up somewhere down the line and you have to be willing to accept the bad (to a certain degree).
The thing is, to accept all that bad stuff you need to know where your limits are and to know that you need to know yourself. It seems to em that most women that don't get married too young start to look for a mate around the age of 25. Most guys start around 28. Even those standard ages don't seem quite right, but they are better than 18-22.
I am 33 now. I am not the same person I was at 23, nor 27 nor 30. I have similar traits to those people, but I have evolved as a person from my experiences. I took a long road to get here (no way I was gonna type "hard" in there pervs)and only now, in the last few years, do I even feel like it would be worth getting married to the right person for the right reasons.
I don't know if any of this makes sense as a whole but I hope some of it helps. (Next time I wont rant while typing out papers for work :P)
John
As a married 24 year old, I think I'm bringing a vastly different view to this, and perhaps feeling a little stung to be thrown into a statistic set to end in legal battles and tears, but I resolve to be fair and balanced.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I don't see a vast difference between a marriage and a long-term relationship. There's a party and paperwork when you get married, but what's the difference between getting married and just agreeing to be with someone for as long as you're happy together? When you meet someone, you don't think "I could be happy with you for... 5-7 months." Maybe in some situations that thought can cross your mind. But the idea that it's absurd to agree to stay with someone forever doesn't seem so absurd to me when you look at the alternative of putting a preconceived expiration date on a relationship.
Changing and growth is a massive issue I agree with you on (partially.) Life is in constant flux. The idea that at a certain age you will be a static version of yourself, I feel, is often proven wrong when said age is reached. So to me, to chose an age when you will be grounded isn't realistic, and therefore saying, 'I could not get married until...' just doesn't work with how life seems to go.
My view of marriage is that it's a lifestyle choice, and perhaps all those gloom and doom numbers mean is that too many people choose that lifestyle when it doesn't actually suit them.
I agree partially with the commenter above me. It can be a rat race and a contest and it can be stupid. I can't take any of that away from it, because that's the reality of how people are. But I argue that age when in conjunction with maturity is deceptive. Some of the most juvenile people I know are a decade or more my senior. I also feel the idea of 'looking for a mate' is part of the negativity of the general marriage situation. It's inappropriate to set out with the intention of finding someone to spend your life with. It's not buying a car, you don't decide it's time for a one.
So, why bother? Or what makes someone think this might be a success? Well... I have no idea. I may very well be divorced eventually. Okay. That's a risk. Reasonably, if you're with someone seriously and you're both happy, you can just enjoy it. It's not a bad idea and not one I disagree with. Marriage is whatever you make of it. If you feel it's locking yourself into something and one day it'll make you miserable for doing so, that's a valid perspective. Functionally, it's really just about taxes, societal implications and legal rights in the end.
I didn't answer those questions did I? It's too empty to say 'why not.' The why not is messy divorce. There's far better rational than protection and pressure though - companionship, stability, and social definition would be my three. I guess my 'personal' answer is, it felt right for me. And if I'm wrong, than so it goes.
I take both of your comments into account and they are incredibly valid. It inevitably is a personal choice for each and every person. As a result of the marriages I've seen as well as my relationship experiences thus far, I don't believe I could have enough faith in the staying power of love to take that leap! Thank you for taking the time to comment!
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