Psychologist Karen Horney, M.D., in her article “The Problem of the Monogamous Ideal,” [19] indicates that the overestimation of love leads to disillusionment; the desire to possess the partner results in the partner wanting to escape; and the taboos against sex result in non-fulfillment. Disillusionment plus the desire to escape plus non-fulfillment result in a secret hostility, which causes the other partner to feel alienated. Secret hostility in one and secret alienation in the other cause the partners to secretly hate each other. This secret hate often leads one or the other or both to seek love objects outside the marriage or relationship. (Wikipedia; accessed 5/17/2010)
Before you ask, yes, I tried to access the entire article. However, because I don't see an instance where I will need a subscription to a psychology website, I felt no desire to spend the money. Dr. Horney's (and yes, the humor of that name is not lost on me) concept is rather interesting though.
We do overestimate love - between Hollywood's romantic comedies, the love songs on the radio, and the absolute saturation of magazines begging the questions, "who's dating who? who's engaged?" it's no wonder that we put a lot of pressure on finding "THE ONE" or "our soulmate".
Horney describes it as an epic push and pull - we desire so much from our romantic partner (love, friendship, sex, passion) but inevitably, it is never enough. One of us always wants to escape (you know what your mother used to say: "Find someone who loves you more than you love them") It is unavoidable that while one person desires nothing more than to remain entrenched in the relationship, the other desires less attachment. Then, because of this imbalance in reciprocity, disillusionment, dissatisfaction, and resentment breed.
I would apologize for the bleakness of this entry but I can't help but agree with Horney's assessment. There is always one individual in a relationship who is the wolf, the pursuer if you will. The other person is the bunny, the difficult to obtain morsel who will give the wolf's life meaning and validity. Therefore, a relationship consists of two parts - a reacher, and a settler. The settler will always desire something greater, and the reacher will always feel dissatisfied as their intense feelings are not returned in kind.
Horney's theory supports my belief that romantic relationships are doomed to fail...that initial, neurotransmitter-induced "love feeling" is eventually replaced by resentment and anger. You have been warned.
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