So I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole public display of affection thing. Waiting for the bus yesterday (granted, I was already annoyed as 40 mile an hour winds threatened to knock me on my ass so I am aware that my angry vehemence was exponentially increased) there was a couple who was apparently so into one another that he felt the overwhelming urge to grab his girlfriend's ass. I ask you, my readers (if you do in fact exist), why?

I posed this question to some of my coworkers and the opinions were not difficult to categorize - those in relationships see nothing wrong with PDAs while those of us who were not or those of us in failing relationships found them to be superfluous. "Whatever, man. It's cool. What's the big deal? If you're in love, you're in love. Show it off. It's a beautiful thing" said one of my coworkers. Now, I realize that what I am about to say will come off as insane...and even slightly evil: Please take your "whatever, man"s and shove them up your love-sick ass! I have been in love and I do not feel the need to broadcast it by beckoning my significant other to grab my ass/belt loops/breast or what-have-you.

Also, other than the fact that it's incredibly inappropriate and rude, public displays of affection are like the firestorm that grips a nuclear test site right after the bomb is detonated. It's hot and steamy and everything is ravaged and your soul feels like it cannot take any more passion! In the midst of the ass grabbing you feel as though you have found your proverbial "lobster", the person you will spend the rest of your insignificant days with. And then, the aftermath of that bomb occurs. A strong wind follows that heated blast and everything is extinguished, and all that's left are the remnants of what used to be.

My basic point - your relationship will end anyway, because they always do. Therefore, while you're in the midst of it, please spare the rest of us from having to experience your dying sun of a relationship. It will burn out. Trust me.