Shiza! There's a Hole in My Cynicism!

Wow, I really want to put myself in a compromising position...

While on the bus today, a crazy thing happened - there was a menage a trois of misery happening right before my very eyes. The bus driver (who probably should not have been engaged in conversation considering he should have been attempting to not kill 50 people in a flaming car wreck) was discussing his failed marriage with 2 other women (both of them also divorced). Now, instead of using this as fodder for yet another marriage hating blog, I decided to do some introspection - Why do I write Too Young to Be Jaded?

And I realized something - the cynicism that I am so unabashedly proud of is simply my attempt to foster indifference. The more indifferent you are, the less likely the possibility of being hurt. Furthermore, by being cynical, all actions performed by the other individual are suspect and not genuine. As a result, I (seemingly) don't care as much and in turn, when things go south or their interest in me wanes, I am neither surprised nor upset (OK, you got me - I am a little bit upset but it's quelled by the fact that I suspected it all along).

Too Young to Be Jaded has become incredibly cathartic for me. I can display my neuroses and obsessive nature by being a detached observer. I maintain distance by mocking all that others hold dear and value greatly. It's fantastic. Furthermore, I can word vomit whenever I like in order to express any disappointment I may be feeling on any given day.

However, I am going to let you in on a little secret - I do hold out hope. For some reason, I manage to convince myself that, while I know a relationship will inevitably end or even never begin, I hope that things could potentially change and I could (theoretically) be happy. I think I also pursue impossibile prospects because they not only allow me to stay suspended in an endless game of waiting (therefore allowing me to remain "hopeful"), but I can also immediately justify my cynicism when things don't work out (I mean, how could they when the guy is either gay, crazy, or just coming out of a core-shaking relationship?)

Wow, that was a mouthful. I am now secretly debating whether or not to delete the prior paragraph but as they say, writing makes it real; and I need to accept how paradoxical my views on relationships are.

Think about this -I maintain a cynical, almost vehement angry view of relationships to protect myself AND, instead of seeking out men that could potentially prove my theories incorrect, I pursue the "ungettable get" so I can say "See!? This is why I hate relationships and dating." It's something for me to ponder, but not necessarily change. Not yet anyway...I enjoy this cynical persona immensely. She's great.