I'm beginning to feel as though people in my generation (the 20-somethings) feel an unnecessary need to remain friends with their exes. Maybe this is just a trend that prevails in my social circle, but it's disturbing nonetheless. When it comes to the end of a relationship, I've always said that I need to pretend that my ex died in some sort of tragic farming or hunting accident. For some reason, this makes me feel better. It's much easier to accept a mawling by an angry grizzly or a tractor disaster than come to the realization that there's an individual out there who, after some consideration, decided that being with me was not something that suited their life plans.
I suppose I could take the healthier approach and simply say, "It was a learning experience. I am going to move on and become a better person for it." While I remain incredibly productive post-break-up (this blog being one example), I can't help but allow my previous relationship to affect how I view other romantic interactions. Par example, on a blind date a few months ago, my date mentioned that he valued "balance" in his life. This was something that my ex valued above all else. As a result, a mini air raid occurred in my head and I politely excused myself from said meeting. My ex is not someone to befriend. Instead, he is someone to be avoided - whether it be his whole person, or any characteristic thereof, even if it's wrapped in a nice, new package.
Yesterday, a friend asked me if I have spoken to my ex recently. My face contorted: "Why on earth would I do that? I do not need to be reminded of my failure." After a bit of prodding, I realized that my main gripe with maintaining a relationship with an ex is not that I feel I have failed, but rather the vehement anger that ensues when I realize how much I allowed this other person to know about me. I have opened up my heart (for lack of a better cliche), only to be mortally disappointed. Whether it happens 3 days or 3 years into a new relationship, a break-up is inevitable and I am just not comfortable maintaining a friendly rapport with the person who shat on my heart. Wow, that felt good.
I also don't know if I admire, or feel sorry for those individuals who can maintain close, or even amicable friendships with an ex. Many may say that my tactic of avoidance is unhealthy, but I feel that trying to "move on" while also maintaining regular contact with a person with whom you share(d) an emotional and sexual connection is even more disturbing. How can one expect to pursue a new romantic relationship when you are constantly reminded of an old one? There is enough opportunity to compare (especially in New York City, where options abound) without subjecting your poor, new prospect to a side-by-side comparison with your ex - a person whom you trust(ed) and most likely love(d). Furthermore, I feel it makes moving on that much harder for both of you, and also increases your chances of jealous rages from the new boyfriend/girlfriend, and rightfully so.
I suppose that I simply view the maintenance of the ex-to-ex-friendship as a safety net. When coming out of a new relationship, there is an unavoidable worry that you will never find another individual who understands and accepts you the same way. Therefore, like some sort of sick relay race, they are kept on the sidelines to be tagged in when single life isn't all it's cracked up to be.
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