Today, I have decided to discuss my recent psychological breakthrough. I'm not sure if you remember, but a while back I wrote about how I cannot for the life of me fathom why someone would want to spend time with me in a romantic context - "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." As you can imagine, this type of thinking would lead to the most uncomfortable first dates imaginable - my body language would read "CAUTION: SEVERE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AHEAD" while my self-effacing words did nothing but prove that I believed I was not worthy of the date. Needless to say, this was not good.
You may also remember my promise to you all that I would get back out into the dating world. Well, I have. And I have come to three very important realizations:
1. The less you care, the better the date goes. (My method for 'not caring' is new to me, and I will share it in a moment)
2. Online dating provides way too much opportunity for side-by-side comparison.
3. There is a fine line between obsession and just plain desire to hear from someone. A previously obsessive individual cannot quit cold turkey and become lackadaisical.
So, I have been on 2 dates in the last week (which, for me, is absolutely unheard of). I tend to be one of those people who is fatally incapable of multi-tasking. I tend to divulge too much about my other "prospects" because I fear that each individual I'm seeing is worthy of boyfriend-level disclosure. This habit usually blows up in my face (duh). Also, because of the weight I put on each individual before I even meet them, the first date is a mess - I can't find my words; my personality and humor don't come through; and I'm so entrenched in my need to be liked that I never truly find out if I actually like them.
After realizing this, I approached my two recent dates with no expectations, very little enthusiasm, and minimal worry. And guess what? They went well! It was an absolute aberration-I was (shockingly) comfortable in my own skin and I did NOT care what the outcome was. Ergo, dates went well.
Now, before you applaud me, I will move on to lessons 2 and 3. After the dates went well, something happened. I had wanted desperately to cling to my indifferent demeanor but found it difficult considering I had really enjoyed myself with both individuals and wanted to hear from both of them again. CRAP. In light of my new self, I felt that this desire went against what I was now trying to accomplish - a cool, calm, and collected exterior. I was trying to quit cold turkey. So now, it became an epic tug of war between my neurotic self and my composed self - so much for calming down.
To mitigate this, I reminded myself of the inherent nature of online dating - it provides the rare opportunity to compare potential mates side-by-side. When on a date with someone that you've met by more "conventional" means, you make an assessment based on their behavior alone. There isn't an opportunity at that exact moment to invite another prospect into the fray so that you can choose which one you like better (well, I suppose you could, but I don't think it would be appreciated). However, on dating websites, links such as "See How You Two Click" provides the opportunity to see a virtual relationship between you and Mate A and Mate B. You can then decide to terminate communication with one, the other, or both, depending on what the dot com love guru tells you.
It was this realization that made me calm down. Ironically, this is the only time that my insecurity served me well. By realizing that these men/guys/boys (just like me) were going home to their dating sites to peruse other prospects (ACTIVE WITHIN 24 HOURS! as Match.com so nicely reminded me) I was able to accept the lack of a return call. After all, I have never been so delusional as to believe that I am the best choice, let alone the only one. There is always going to be somebody better and, with the help of online dating sites, you can find someone who shares your passion for food, wine tastings, dancing, books, and museums and then narrow it down by breast size and gross income. Where else can you do that?!
Sincerely Yours,
Surprisingly Well-Adjusted and Realistic (For Now)
You may also remember my promise to you all that I would get back out into the dating world. Well, I have. And I have come to three very important realizations:
1. The less you care, the better the date goes. (My method for 'not caring' is new to me, and I will share it in a moment)
2. Online dating provides way too much opportunity for side-by-side comparison.
3. There is a fine line between obsession and just plain desire to hear from someone. A previously obsessive individual cannot quit cold turkey and become lackadaisical.
So, I have been on 2 dates in the last week (which, for me, is absolutely unheard of). I tend to be one of those people who is fatally incapable of multi-tasking. I tend to divulge too much about my other "prospects" because I fear that each individual I'm seeing is worthy of boyfriend-level disclosure. This habit usually blows up in my face (duh). Also, because of the weight I put on each individual before I even meet them, the first date is a mess - I can't find my words; my personality and humor don't come through; and I'm so entrenched in my need to be liked that I never truly find out if I actually like them.
After realizing this, I approached my two recent dates with no expectations, very little enthusiasm, and minimal worry. And guess what? They went well! It was an absolute aberration-I was (shockingly) comfortable in my own skin and I did NOT care what the outcome was. Ergo, dates went well.
Now, before you applaud me, I will move on to lessons 2 and 3. After the dates went well, something happened. I had wanted desperately to cling to my indifferent demeanor but found it difficult considering I had really enjoyed myself with both individuals and wanted to hear from both of them again. CRAP. In light of my new self, I felt that this desire went against what I was now trying to accomplish - a cool, calm, and collected exterior. I was trying to quit cold turkey. So now, it became an epic tug of war between my neurotic self and my composed self - so much for calming down.
To mitigate this, I reminded myself of the inherent nature of online dating - it provides the rare opportunity to compare potential mates side-by-side. When on a date with someone that you've met by more "conventional" means, you make an assessment based on their behavior alone. There isn't an opportunity at that exact moment to invite another prospect into the fray so that you can choose which one you like better (well, I suppose you could, but I don't think it would be appreciated). However, on dating websites, links such as "See How You Two Click" provides the opportunity to see a virtual relationship between you and Mate A and Mate B. You can then decide to terminate communication with one, the other, or both, depending on what the dot com love guru tells you.
It was this realization that made me calm down. Ironically, this is the only time that my insecurity served me well. By realizing that these men/guys/boys (just like me) were going home to their dating sites to peruse other prospects (ACTIVE WITHIN 24 HOURS! as Match.com so nicely reminded me) I was able to accept the lack of a return call. After all, I have never been so delusional as to believe that I am the best choice, let alone the only one. There is always going to be somebody better and, with the help of online dating sites, you can find someone who shares your passion for food, wine tastings, dancing, books, and museums and then narrow it down by breast size and gross income. Where else can you do that?!
Sincerely Yours,
Surprisingly Well-Adjusted and Realistic (For Now)
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