Calling All Daters

So, I have re-entered the dating world. I know, it's shocking. Even though I have not gone on any official dates yet, I have had a couple of first phone conversations which, if you've never experienced them before, is enough to age you at least 20 years.

Let me construct the various events that lead to this first conversation ('voice on voice contact' if you will). First, a coy email opens up the possibility of a romantic connection. "Hey, I think you're really interesting and would like to get to know you better. Hit me up if you feel the same way. Winky face. John Doe."

If you so desire, you can then reciprocate with your own cutesy email and so on, and so forth. Eventually, one of you has to decide when it's the right time to exchange phone numbers. This is always tricky, especially if your means of meeting new people consists of online dating sites. I am actually (frighteningly) more willing to give people my phone number than my email address. My email address gives you access to my Facebook account, which then gives you access to this blog, etc. etc. It's much easier for me to change my phone number should things not go well then tag and de-tag photographs before I accept John Doe's friend request. It's much less of a hassle.

Anyway, the waiting in between the exchange of the last email (which included the phone number) and the actual text message/phone call is always a frightening time. What if nude photos are sent to my inbox? What if his voice is high and creepy? Oh God, what have I done?! Also, you have voluntarily opened the communication floodgates - you have graduated in terms of where you will allow this person to be in your life. They are no longer in your email notifications "John Doe thinks you're swell! Maybe he's a match!" He is now on your phone - the apparatus that many of us have perpetually attached to our hands. With the phone number exchange, we have allowed these complete strangers to be much more of a presence in our everyday lives.

10:00 PM. The phone rings. The flashing screen reads "John Doe - Match.com". Shit! Oh God. What do I say?! Where do I begin?! You attempt to sound as cool, calm, and collected as possible: "Hello?" except you draw out the "o" sound - you're easy, expectant, and relaxed. Once they say who they are, you act pleasantly surprised, "Oh, hey! How's it going?" I have decided to construct just my side of the dialogue (juxtaposed with what actually goes on in my head) in order for you to understand exactly what I mean:

Oh hey! how's it going?

Oh Jesus, was that too eager?

Oh, nothing much, just hanging around.

Great, now he thinks you're a recluse who doesn't do anything. Fantastic.

So, what is it you do again?

Oh god, did he tell me and I forgot? Way to listen. I'm sure he'll think you're super attentive now. Loser.

Oh yeah, you're lucky you caught me. I'm in high demand..

Was that too self-aggrandizing? I thought it was flirty. Maybe not so much. Shit.

My week looks swamped...yours?

That's right. Sound busy. You have a life outside of this dating ridiculousness.

You get the idea. For me, this back and forth continues as long as the conversation does. And then, there's the goodbye. How do you end a first phone conversation? My strategy:

Me: So...(interminable wait-you can also opt to drag out the "o" sound in this instance too)

Him: Um, I guess I'll talk to you soon?

Me: Sure, whatever. (BE COOL! BE COOL!) OK...OK...bye.

Basically, I have come to the realization that the first phone conversation is a lot like playing "Operation". If I feel I have made one wrong move, a foghorn goes off in my head. I have to then re-focus, bring myself back to the conversation, and try again. Dammit. Maybe I should call it quits and train for the New York City Marathon? Might be easier...