Love is NOT My Religion

I've realized something this weekend- love is like a religion to some people. When I attack love and its institutions, I am attacking people's beliefs and in essence, their faith. It's funny that only now, two months into writing this blog, am I beginning to realize this.

I suppose I can liken it to the whole Santa Claus/Easter Bunny thing. Now, now, before you send me hate emails about "likening the existence of love to the existence of fantastical characters", humor me for a moment. Also, please refrain from commenting that I've excluded entire denominations by homing in on these two characters. In case you haven't noticed, I do not concern myself with being politically correct...

Now, I want you to visualize Christmas morning when you were a little kid. You would wake up with a start, equally excited to see the presents left for you as you were to see whether or not Santa valued your cookie choices. There was a certain magic to that morning - someone took the time to break in to your home and bring you gifts. The same can be said for the Easter Bunny. A GIANT bunny left me my basket filled with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?! What could be better than that?!

Fast forward 20 years...Christmas is still a holiday I look forward to, but the magic is gone. There is no sleigh landing on my roof, no Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and no one is relishing the fact that I took it upon myself to include not one, but THREE types of cookies in my Christmas Eve offering. It just isn't as much fun.

For the record, I am not crediting my blog with having the same effect on my readers as the realization that every child goes through when they find out that Santa Claus isn't real. However, I feel that when people read that there is someone out there who doesn't necessarily believe in all the true love mumbo jumbo, they are deeply offended...it gets even worse when these people are also in relationships. It's as if you're attacking their choices, their beliefs, and their faith. For the record, I have been in love, and the cynicism toward said emotion is only one facet of my personality. Love is not the be-all and end-all and it does not conquer all. Do I adhere to my cynical streak so strongly that I am willing to die alone so I can prove my point? No. Will I hold on to this cynical view until a concrete event(s) occur(s) to make me believe otherwise? YES.

Just to clarify - this blog is not meant as a personal attack on you, or your relationship. If you are part of a couple, because I am fully aware that an outsider can never know what goes on on the inside, I make no judgments about the outcome of your relationship. All I am saying is this: I have yet to meet someone who disproves my theory about the futility of romantic relationships. Furthermore, I have yet to meet a couple who makes me believe that all of the effort/heartache/stress is worth it...Go ahead hopeless romantics. Attack at will.

Dear Diary,

Today, I have decided to discuss my recent psychological breakthrough. I'm not sure if you remember, but a while back I wrote about how I cannot for the life of me fathom why someone would want to spend time with me in a romantic context - "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." As you can imagine, this type of thinking would lead to the most uncomfortable first dates imaginable - my body language would read "CAUTION: SEVERE EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE AHEAD" while my self-effacing words did nothing but prove that I believed I was not worthy of the date. Needless to say, this was not good.

You may also remember my promise to you all that I would get back out into the dating world. Well, I have. And I have come to three very important realizations:

1. The less you care, the better the date goes. (My method for 'not caring' is new to me, and I will share it in a moment)
2. Online dating provides way too much opportunity for side-by-side comparison.
3. There is a fine line between obsession and just plain desire to hear from someone. A previously obsessive individual cannot quit cold turkey and become lackadaisical.

So, I have been on 2 dates in the last week (which, for me, is absolutely unheard of). I tend to be one of those people who is fatally incapable of multi-tasking. I tend to divulge too much about my other "prospects" because I fear that each individual I'm seeing is worthy of boyfriend-level disclosure. This habit usually blows up in my face (duh). Also, because of the weight I put on each individual before I even meet them, the first date is a mess - I can't find my words; my personality and humor don't come through; and I'm so entrenched in my need to be liked that I never truly find out if I actually like them.

After realizing this, I approached my two recent dates with no expectations, very little enthusiasm, and minimal worry. And guess what? They went well! It was an absolute aberration-I was (shockingly) comfortable in my own skin and I did NOT care what the outcome was. Ergo, dates went well.

Now, before you applaud me, I will move on to lessons 2 and 3. After the dates went well, something happened. I had wanted desperately to cling to my indifferent demeanor but found it difficult considering I had really enjoyed myself with both individuals and wanted to hear from both of them again. CRAP. In light of my new self, I felt that this desire went against what I was now trying to accomplish - a cool, calm, and collected exterior. I was trying to quit cold turkey. So now, it became an epic tug of war between my neurotic self and my composed self - so much for calming down.

To mitigate this, I reminded myself of the inherent nature of online dating - it provides the rare opportunity to compare potential mates side-by-side. When on a date with someone that you've met by more "conventional" means, you make an assessment based on their behavior alone. There isn't an opportunity at that exact moment to invite another prospect into the fray so that you can choose which one you like better (well, I suppose you could, but I don't think it would be appreciated). However, on dating websites, links such as "See How You Two Click" provides the opportunity to see a virtual relationship between you and Mate A and Mate B. You can then decide to terminate communication with one, the other, or both, depending on what the dot com love guru tells you.

It was this realization that made me calm down. Ironically, this is the only time that my insecurity served me well. By realizing that these men/guys/boys (just like me) were going home to their dating sites to peruse other prospects (ACTIVE WITHIN 24 HOURS! as Match.com so nicely reminded me) I was able to accept the lack of a return call. After all, I have never been so delusional as to believe that I am the best choice, let alone the only one. There is always going to be somebody better and, with the help of online dating sites, you can find someone who shares your passion for food, wine tastings, dancing, books, and museums and then narrow it down by breast size and gross income. Where else can you do that?!

Sincerely Yours,
Surprisingly Well-Adjusted and Realistic (For Now)

Love and Marriage - It's an Institute You Can't Disparage (?)

OK, so today I have decided to approach my arguments against romantic relationships from another angle - with all of my previous posts, I say that relationships don't work because the way in which they are constructed, and what is expected from them, is unrealistic. Therefore, unfulfilled expectations lead to disappointment which then leads to termination.

However, I read something that made me reconsider this. I was introduced to an article entitled "How to Get Divorced by 30" by Sascha Rothchild(http://www.laweekly.com/2008-03-27/la-vida/how-to-get-divorced-by-30/5). Before reading it, I fully expected the author to point out the that the institution of marriage was obsolete, and by accepting this fact, one who got married in their 20s would inevitably be divorced by 30. I also expected her to cite the emotionally tumultuous nature of the quarter-life to be a contributing factor as well. NOPE. Instead, this woman was so arrogant as to provide a list of the things she did wrong that caused her divorce; things that a Rhesus monkey could have figured out.

OK, before I delve into this ridiculousness, I have two things to say:

1. This is now a book and is also being made into a movie. This in and of itself proves my point about human stupidity - who would actually sit through a film that basically says: "Hey, as long as you're not so arrogant as to believe that marriage will work for you regardless of how selfish or stupid you are, you won't be divorced by 30. Thanks Hollywood.
2. I have to apologize to the institution of marriage as well. I feel that, after reading this article, marriage is like that really great restaurant that opens in a shitty neighborhood. The food may be fantastic, but the morons that live near it don't appreciate it, so it goes under. Sorry marriage.

After reading this shit fest, I am approaching my argument from a different angle - Marriage doesn't work because people are inherently stupid. Even though I included the link, I need to simply highlight her how-to list to illustrate just how moronic this woman is. My comments are in bold.

STEP ONE: Jump from your horrible early-20s relationship right into a mid-20s relationship without learning or growing or pondering what you really want out of a mate — then marry that person. Basically, have completely unrealistic expectations and require nothing of yourself emotionally or intellectually. Take everything lightly and accept no personal responsibility.
STEP TWO: Marry an actor. Um, what the fuck are you talking about? You are a Los Angeles wannabe script writer who should stop writing and do some major self-evaluation. You're a disgrace to the female race.
STEP THREE: Believe that opposites attract. oh, yes! That's it! The reason marriage doesn't work isn't because it is an incredibly difficult and time consuming commitment and many pea-brained people like you can't handle it...No, the real problem with marriage is the belief in the aforementioned platitude. Phew. Glad we cleared that one up.
STEP FOUR: Adhere to an arbitrary timetable. Great. Hey, writer - be mindful of your diction. You cannot use a word like 'arbitrary' and then expect your advice to be novel or intelligent. Your timetable was 'arbitrary' (not based on anything; i.e. false) and therefore it contributed to a failed marriage. Excuse me while I pretend to be shocked.
STEP FIVE: Give a passive-aggressive ultimatum. Are women seriously reading this and thinking it's visionary? She is basically saying. "Hey, women. Do that passive-aggressive thing that women are stereotyped as doing and your partner won't like it." JESUS. Someone give this woman a Pulitzer.
STEP SIX: Get married for a down payment. I need to leave this one alone for fear that bloodshed may result.
STEP SEVEN: Plan the divorce while you plan the wedding. This one too.
STEP EIGHT: The invitations have already gone out. And this one. Wait, no. I have to say something...Yes, it's much better to enter into a "lifelong" union because you don't want to waste paper than because you actually love you partner.
STEP NINE: Compromise to the point that both parties are unhappy. Ugh. If you're reading this Sascha Rothchild, I hate you.
STEP TEN: Cling to distractions. Yes! Make sure to be so self-involved that your partner and your marriage don't matter, but your flatscreen television does!
STEP ELEVEN: Move in together to save money. Yup, concentrate on the money aspect. That usually works out well in relationships.
STEP TWELVE: All your friends are doing it. If your friends jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge...
STEP THIRTEEN: Marry your high school sweetheart. This is basically rule #1 - believe that you'll be the same person regardless of your age.
STEP FOURTEEN: Ignore your spouse and dive into a new addiction. Again, this is just STEP TEN reworded.
STEP FIFTEEN: Beat a dead horse. And lastly, she ends her brilliant list with another platitude. Continue to stay in a non-working relationship regardless of the signs...this is of course after you reach a new level of jerkdom by completely ignoring the weight that the act of marrying someone holds and torturing another human being with your selfishness and lack of regard.

If you don't understand my anger, then please read the entire article. This woman and her dumbass friends (who went through identical experiences) really bring out the eugenicist in me...I wonder if we can find a gene that directly contributes to asinine assumptions and then eradicate it. Excessive? I think not. At the end of Diary of the Dead, the final scene begs the question of whether or not the human race is even worth saving. After reading this article, I honestly have to ask the same question. Marriage may be flawed, but human foolishness, selfishness, and self-indulgence magnify these shortcomings like some sort of sick microscope. It's like global warming - we, as humans, assume that we can abuse the earth as much as we like without suffering any consequences. We're that fucking special.

Maybe it's not marriage at all...maybe it's just us.

The Scariest Night of Your Life

There is something to be said for the excitement that comes along with a first date. For me, it's like the trepidation/nervousness I feel right before a really intense fitness class. Your adrenaline and endorphins begin to pump as you prepare yourself for what is to come - an intense (and if you're lucky) sweaty experience. Even a cynic like me worries about the "first outfit". That first impression that you make on the individual that you could wind up dating on a regular basis is a crucial choice. I have even gone so far as to Google "what to wear on a first date" so that I am not a victim of any long-standing faux pas. Yeah, there's that other, more hopeful side of me rearing its ugly head. I have noticed, (just as an aside), that it is also the hopeful part of my personality that makes me do really ridiculous things. Coincidence? I think not. Just another reason to be cynical if you ask me.

Back to dating - I suppose dating is a muscle that, regardless of your aversion to it, needs to exercised every now and again. It's good to practice your interview skills (after all, we are in a recession) and what better way to do that than with drinks or a nice meal? Hell, even a good latte will make any uncomfortable social situation bearable. Also, I feel that once you've gone on an insanely bad date, no other social awkwardness can affect you. Just to be a little anectdotal - once you've had someone see you and say, "ugh, I hate this shit", nothing phases you.

Once you begin the date, (or at least, once I do) I make a game out of it. I challenge myself to avoid platitudes, to ask interesting questions, and to not fidget. Supposedly, fidgeting draws attention to insecurity, and who wants that? I also tend to make a conscious effort to be 'flirty' and 'fun'. What the hell that means I have no idea...I usually think about what I would do normally, and then I do the exact opposite. Also, when I say avoid platitudes, I mean I don't tell the person that I'm "adventurous", "up for anything", "passionate about what I do", or "laid back" (have you read my blog?). In the age of online dating, all of the above (along with countless others) are used so often that they don't make you sound interesting. In fact, you're a walking cliche.

I suppose another facet of dating (at least for a heterosexual woman) that also elicits excitement is the thrill of male attention. I hate to admit that, but I believe it's true. No matter how much self-confidence one has, there isa rush that comes from the realization that another individual recognizes and values those same characteristics that you appreciate about yourself. At least for me, this is one of the main draws of dating. Granted, I tend to be an insecure, neurotic individual so this part of dating that I so unabashedly seek out may be more pronounced for me. But, whatever.

And, to maintain the trend of self-analysis, I apologize for the 3rd paragraph - it sounds like a dating tutorial. I am the last fucking person who should be giving dating advice. I am way too angry and bitter to tell others how to approach an interaction that to me, will most likely end badly (maybe not the first, second, or even the third time...but eventually, shit will go down). Also, my 'method' in and of itself is ridiculous - regardless of the prospect's viability, I think deep down I prefer the aforementioned ungettable get - the impossible catch can't hurt me because there was never the possibility of anything to begin with...See? Sick. I know.

Calling All Daters

So, I have re-entered the dating world. I know, it's shocking. Even though I have not gone on any official dates yet, I have had a couple of first phone conversations which, if you've never experienced them before, is enough to age you at least 20 years.

Let me construct the various events that lead to this first conversation ('voice on voice contact' if you will). First, a coy email opens up the possibility of a romantic connection. "Hey, I think you're really interesting and would like to get to know you better. Hit me up if you feel the same way. Winky face. John Doe."

If you so desire, you can then reciprocate with your own cutesy email and so on, and so forth. Eventually, one of you has to decide when it's the right time to exchange phone numbers. This is always tricky, especially if your means of meeting new people consists of online dating sites. I am actually (frighteningly) more willing to give people my phone number than my email address. My email address gives you access to my Facebook account, which then gives you access to this blog, etc. etc. It's much easier for me to change my phone number should things not go well then tag and de-tag photographs before I accept John Doe's friend request. It's much less of a hassle.

Anyway, the waiting in between the exchange of the last email (which included the phone number) and the actual text message/phone call is always a frightening time. What if nude photos are sent to my inbox? What if his voice is high and creepy? Oh God, what have I done?! Also, you have voluntarily opened the communication floodgates - you have graduated in terms of where you will allow this person to be in your life. They are no longer in your email notifications "John Doe thinks you're swell! Maybe he's a match!" He is now on your phone - the apparatus that many of us have perpetually attached to our hands. With the phone number exchange, we have allowed these complete strangers to be much more of a presence in our everyday lives.

10:00 PM. The phone rings. The flashing screen reads "John Doe - Match.com". Shit! Oh God. What do I say?! Where do I begin?! You attempt to sound as cool, calm, and collected as possible: "Hello?" except you draw out the "o" sound - you're easy, expectant, and relaxed. Once they say who they are, you act pleasantly surprised, "Oh, hey! How's it going?" I have decided to construct just my side of the dialogue (juxtaposed with what actually goes on in my head) in order for you to understand exactly what I mean:

Oh hey! how's it going?

Oh Jesus, was that too eager?

Oh, nothing much, just hanging around.

Great, now he thinks you're a recluse who doesn't do anything. Fantastic.

So, what is it you do again?

Oh god, did he tell me and I forgot? Way to listen. I'm sure he'll think you're super attentive now. Loser.

Oh yeah, you're lucky you caught me. I'm in high demand..

Was that too self-aggrandizing? I thought it was flirty. Maybe not so much. Shit.

My week looks swamped...yours?

That's right. Sound busy. You have a life outside of this dating ridiculousness.

You get the idea. For me, this back and forth continues as long as the conversation does. And then, there's the goodbye. How do you end a first phone conversation? My strategy:

Me: So...(interminable wait-you can also opt to drag out the "o" sound in this instance too)

Him: Um, I guess I'll talk to you soon?

Me: Sure, whatever. (BE COOL! BE COOL!) OK...OK...bye.

Basically, I have come to the realization that the first phone conversation is a lot like playing "Operation". If I feel I have made one wrong move, a foghorn goes off in my head. I have to then re-focus, bring myself back to the conversation, and try again. Dammit. Maybe I should call it quits and train for the New York City Marathon? Might be easier...

The Wall

(No, I am not talking about the phenomenal Pink Floyd album.) However, before I delve into the annoyance that inspired this, I want to preface this entry with two apologies:

1. I am sorry I haven't written anything in 3 days.
2. I am sorry for the short length of this blog entry-my brain simply isn't in it today.

OK, "The Wall". I live in New York City. I am also quite short and I tend to move quickly. Normally, this proves to be very advantageous as I attempt to weave my way through SoHo in order to get to work in the morning. However, even in my haste, I attempt to never get in anyone else's way (i.e., if I hear footsteps behind me that are definitely moving at a faster pace than my own, I move out of the way. It's simply common New York courtesy)

However, I have started to notice another means of walking down busy New York City streets. Let's call it "the love wall". I provide the following definition:

love wall (n): an inconsiderate amalgam of two people who are 'in love' or at least infatuated with one another - it is usually accomplished by holding hands or linking arms (therefore blocking the sidewalk) and results in vexed pedestrians and crowded streets.

I truly do not understand why a couple would opt to occupy the entire width of the sidewalk simply because they cannot bear to be apart from one another during their walk down Broadway. Choosing to not be inconsiderate does not make your walk interminable, it simply makes you helpful. By suffering through a no-hand holding stroll, you are preventing traffic jams from occurring.

I suppose this needless display of affection wouldn't bother me so much if the couple didn't also take it upon themselves to walk as if in slow-motion. Why is it that linking arms makes people lackadaisical? You can look into one another's eyes when you sit down somewhere.

Trying to get around this is exhausting - I have to jump into the street (almost getting taken out by a taxi cab) only to then attempt to cut the couple off. Inevitably, I wind up behind them again when my avoidance is thwarted by a cyclist or a parked car. Damn.

So, my strategy? I have decided to start playing Red Rover on the streets of New York City. The moment my pathway is blocked, I will scream "Red Rover, Red Rover, I'm sending myself right over!" at which point I will charge ahead, hopefully breaking the link that so inconsiderately blocks the rest of us from getting places in a timely manner. As I've said, I'm petite and while I'm not so sure of how successful this will be, it will certainly provide some much needed entertainment during my morning commute. Oh, and it will provide some very funny stories for you to read.

Today on National Geographic: The Lame Single

So, I have decided to rejoin the dating world in the most pathetic way possible...I am paying Match.com to find someone for me. (I have to add this parenthetical statement because, during proofreading, I reread this line and thought - holy shit, do I actually expect to "find someone"? That phrasing deserves some analysis. Am I actually attempting to locate a life partner? I didn't think so...but, many would say that my diction may suggest otherwise. I am a fraud I tell ya! A fraud!)

Now, as much as I would love to describe a debacle of a date for you, complete with horrific dinner conversation covering everything from mental illness (most likely induced by an ex) to medical abnormalities, I have come to a frightening realization (well, two?)

Number 1: Dating in New York City is hard (no shit).
Number 2: I am an incredibly undesireable candidate for coffee and uncomfortable questions.

I don't have any stories for you because apparently, no one responds to snarky, funny emails. When did this happen? Carrie Bradshaw gets everywhere with men by being snarky...Is it because my hair lacks the requisite curl to render my emails cutesy and fun? Do I just seem like a mediocrely attractive woman who thinks she can just get by on her wits?

Navigating the dating world is like working one's way through the Serengeti. Correction: for me, navigating the dating world is like being an ugly, lame gazelle in the Serengeti. It's insanely uncomfortable; there are mirages everywhere; and there are a ton of other faster, more attractive animals competing for the same prize. Also, if you manage to sink your teeth into one of the prey before one of your competitors, your fang comes loose (on the fourth date) and they get away. CRAP.

Today I also decided to be pathetic. I whined. When complaining to a co-worker about my lack of date-related blog fodder, I was told that I am "too smart"... While many would probably find this to be an unfair assessment of why I am not dating, I took it as a great compliment. I would like to therefore think that everyone is not too dumb for me, but rather, I am so insanely brilliant that romantic relationships bore me. Phew, that sounds way better. Wouldn't you rather be socially awkward as a result of Einstein-level brilliance than be completely and utterly inept at the romantic interview? I would.

My plan? I will see what comes of this new endeavor and I will continue to send witty emails. Screw you if you don't like them. Also, I will continue to admire those ungettable gets that get me through my days because they require no investment of my time or energy. I also do not have to worry about losing a fang.

I'll keep you posted.

Shiza! There's a Hole in My Cynicism!

Wow, I really want to put myself in a compromising position...

While on the bus today, a crazy thing happened - there was a menage a trois of misery happening right before my very eyes. The bus driver (who probably should not have been engaged in conversation considering he should have been attempting to not kill 50 people in a flaming car wreck) was discussing his failed marriage with 2 other women (both of them also divorced). Now, instead of using this as fodder for yet another marriage hating blog, I decided to do some introspection - Why do I write Too Young to Be Jaded?

And I realized something - the cynicism that I am so unabashedly proud of is simply my attempt to foster indifference. The more indifferent you are, the less likely the possibility of being hurt. Furthermore, by being cynical, all actions performed by the other individual are suspect and not genuine. As a result, I (seemingly) don't care as much and in turn, when things go south or their interest in me wanes, I am neither surprised nor upset (OK, you got me - I am a little bit upset but it's quelled by the fact that I suspected it all along).

Too Young to Be Jaded has become incredibly cathartic for me. I can display my neuroses and obsessive nature by being a detached observer. I maintain distance by mocking all that others hold dear and value greatly. It's fantastic. Furthermore, I can word vomit whenever I like in order to express any disappointment I may be feeling on any given day.

However, I am going to let you in on a little secret - I do hold out hope. For some reason, I manage to convince myself that, while I know a relationship will inevitably end or even never begin, I hope that things could potentially change and I could (theoretically) be happy. I think I also pursue impossibile prospects because they not only allow me to stay suspended in an endless game of waiting (therefore allowing me to remain "hopeful"), but I can also immediately justify my cynicism when things don't work out (I mean, how could they when the guy is either gay, crazy, or just coming out of a core-shaking relationship?)

Wow, that was a mouthful. I am now secretly debating whether or not to delete the prior paragraph but as they say, writing makes it real; and I need to accept how paradoxical my views on relationships are.

Think about this -I maintain a cynical, almost vehement angry view of relationships to protect myself AND, instead of seeking out men that could potentially prove my theories incorrect, I pursue the "ungettable get" so I can say "See!? This is why I hate relationships and dating." It's something for me to ponder, but not necessarily change. Not yet anyway...I enjoy this cynical persona immensely. She's great.

Oh, So You're a Siamese Twin Then?

Apparently, these last two days are about trends within the twenty-something relationship pool. I have noticed that more and more people feel the need to have as their profile picture a photograph of themselves and their significant other. While I am aware that most likely, the excitement of being in a relationship often precedes the awareness of its intrinsic fragility, I can only ask, "Why you would want a photo of you and another individual to be seen as you?" Furthermore, why would you draw attention to your own transience and mortality by using a photograph of the world's most fragile institution - a romantic relationship - to define you?

On these social networking sites, there of course is the undertone of possible flirtation and attraction. I can therefore sympathize with the fact that you may want to immediately deter unwanted attention by showing, undoubtedly, that you are off the market. However, I think people forget that one has the option of providing one's "relationship status" - are you single, in a relationship with..., engaged, married, or is it simply complicated? There is already an opportunity to deter said stalker/predator/potential love interest, so why have the kissy face picture with your boyfriend or girlfriend in order to do so?

And, (I just realized), I am being far too nice. I am prefacing each criticism with a "while I am aware..." or a "I can sympathize with..." when in actuality, I find it ridiculous. Let's talk about Facebook specifically. When you click a person's profile, you can view their name, and to the left of that, their picture. It irks me to think that my name would be defined by my relationship with another person. Maybe my feminist muscle is a bit overworked today - so forget the whole "defining onesself through one's relationship argument." Instead, I will be purely selfish -why subject others to excess sentimentality? Why do that to your 259 closes friends?! I promise, if I want to see your engagement ring, your wedding, or a blissful night out with your lover, I will seek it out in one of your fifty photo albums, don't worry.

Also, imagine all you have accomplished in your lifetime or all of those things that have come to define you. When someone "friends" you, do you really want them to see you and someone else? How is that not even a little creepy? Joe Shmo requests your friendship. Oh! Who is this Joe Shmo? Apparently, he enjoys sitting on a bean bag with his very unattractive girlfriend while they take self-aggrandizing pictures of their romantic bliss. Friendship - DENIED.

In case my arguments are falling on deaf ears or blind eyes, I will provide an analogy to show how I really feel about the couple profile picture (in case you were worrying I was holding back) - Imagine meeting someone new. Immediately, they tell you their married. In addition to that, they pull out their wedding album; show you their ring (and describe the romance that ensued in Kay Jewelers when they bought it), and oh, they also pull our their dry cleaned wedding dress which they have had preserved for all of eternity. Basically, in one word, it's overkill.

I implore you boyfriends and girlfriends, please stop subjecting the rest of us to your relationship. We like you, not you and shmoopy pie. Thanks.

Let's Put the "Ex" in Sex

I'm beginning to feel as though people in my generation (the 20-somethings) feel an unnecessary need to remain friends with their exes. Maybe this is just a trend that prevails in my social circle, but it's disturbing nonetheless. When it comes to the end of a relationship, I've always said that I need to pretend that my ex died in some sort of tragic farming or hunting accident. For some reason, this makes me feel better. It's much easier to accept a mawling by an angry grizzly or a tractor disaster than come to the realization that there's an individual out there who, after some consideration, decided that being with me was not something that suited their life plans.

I suppose I could take the healthier approach and simply say, "It was a learning experience. I am going to move on and become a better person for it." While I remain incredibly productive post-break-up (this blog being one example), I can't help but allow my previous relationship to affect how I view other romantic interactions. Par example, on a blind date a few months ago, my date mentioned that he valued "balance" in his life. This was something that my ex valued above all else. As a result, a mini air raid occurred in my head and I politely excused myself from said meeting. My ex is not someone to befriend. Instead, he is someone to be avoided - whether it be his whole person, or any characteristic thereof, even if it's wrapped in a nice, new package.

Yesterday, a friend asked me if I have spoken to my ex recently. My face contorted: "Why on earth would I do that? I do not need to be reminded of my failure." After a bit of prodding, I realized that my main gripe with maintaining a relationship with an ex is not that I feel I have failed, but rather the vehement anger that ensues when I realize how much I allowed this other person to know about me. I have opened up my heart (for lack of a better cliche), only to be mortally disappointed. Whether it happens 3 days or 3 years into a new relationship, a break-up is inevitable and I am just not comfortable maintaining a friendly rapport with the person who shat on my heart. Wow, that felt good.

I also don't know if I admire, or feel sorry for those individuals who can maintain close, or even amicable friendships with an ex. Many may say that my tactic of avoidance is unhealthy, but I feel that trying to "move on" while also maintaining regular contact with a person with whom you share(d) an emotional and sexual connection is even more disturbing. How can one expect to pursue a new romantic relationship when you are constantly reminded of an old one? There is enough opportunity to compare (especially in New York City, where options abound) without subjecting your poor, new prospect to a side-by-side comparison with your ex - a person whom you trust(ed) and most likely love(d). Furthermore, I feel it makes moving on that much harder for both of you, and also increases your chances of jealous rages from the new boyfriend/girlfriend, and rightfully so.

I suppose that I simply view the maintenance of the ex-to-ex-friendship as a safety net. When coming out of a new relationship, there is an unavoidable worry that you will never find another individual who understands and accepts you the same way. Therefore, like some sort of sick relay race, they are kept on the sidelines to be tagged in when single life isn't all it's cracked up to be.

The Threat of the Squirrel

Someone once told me to be careful about writing blogs because it's too much of a window into your mind and your thought processes...a squirrel may get in. While I never fully understood what he meant, I was sure it was a warning. However, I have decided to not heed this warning and let you know that I have decided to start dating again. Yes, Miss Cynicism has decided that it's time. What brought about this new change of heart? Well, yesterday, I had an overwhelming feeling of annoyance that other people existed. Even I could tell that this was not a good sign-it's not healthy to find other people's existence reprehensible.

Therefore, what better way to learn socialization skills than dating? I find it to be the most challenging form of human interaction and I figured that through such toil, I would find comfort and solace in my less stressful, lower maintenance relationships and interactions. Hell, I might even learn to not mind that the woman ahead of me on line is having an inane conversation with her three year old.

Now, (and you may be shocked by this), but the opposite sex isn't exactly knocking my door down with invitations to dinners and movies. First step - find a date. I have already emailed two "prospects" via the Sex and Dating section of Timeout New York. But, I also ask you, do you know anybody? Feel free to set me up. I prefer, tall, thin, artsy types who have a penchant for good film and good food. Think of it this way - it's comedic fodder for you. I embarrass myself, and you have a grand time reading about it the next day.

In order to maintain accountability, I will keep you posted on my dating exploits and the definite chaos that will ensue. Also, I hope that you can help me - I don't believe there is an action I am more inept at than dating (well, maybe skateboarding). Therefore, once I provide full accounts of these dates, you can let me know what I did well, and what I did incorrectly, although I'm sure the list for the latter will be much longer.

Who knows what will happen? I am secretly hoping that this additional foray into dating will provide me with some more cynicism. After all, what good will I be to you if I meet someone I like/can talk with/genuinely enjoy spending time with? I'll answer for you - I will be no good at all. Let the games begin!

Thank You SELF - My Blog is Not Useless!

I was reading SELF Magazine recently and I was intrigued by an article entitled "We've got a sexy secret...28 of them actually!" Ooooh, please SELF Magazine, tell me more! Reading through the trite bits of advice about how to spice up your love life, I came across one that made me guffaw. While it was meant to provide a glimmer of hope for those couples whose sex life has gone dull, it simply proved my point that the only antidote to a bad/boring relationship is the absence of one. And I quote:

"Imagine he's a movie star...The Pro's POV: Fantasizing like this is actually a healthy way to keep the spark alive. 'MRI studies show that novelty-even simply thinking about something or someone new-can light up dopamine pathways in the brain,' explains Susan Kellogg, Ph.D...because dopamine is linked with reward-seeking behavior and sexual interest, imagining Viggo, Daniel or John can be seductive. That being said, if pretending your mate is someone else makes you feel guilty, don't do it."

I find it disconcerting (yes, ME, Miss Jaded) that this is being provided as actual advice. Why not simply say, "Yes, we recognize that after a certain period of time, sex with your partner can become monotonous, even routine. Hell, it's even outright boring! So, imagine someone else...anyone else. That way, you're not thinking about how much monogamy has destroyed any chance you ever had for a hot sex life."

I also find it quite interesting that this imagining someone new activates the dopamine pathways in the brain. An excessive amount of dopamine is also associated with attention deficit disorder. Now, feel free to call me out on convoluted logic but- if we are activating the same neurotransmitter pathway each time we fantasize about someone new, aren't we in turn making ourselves more susceptible to the same inability to concentrate on the same person over a period of time? I believe SELF Magazine is propagating attention deficit disorder in relationships. Also, bringing up the possibility of guilt brings to mind the idea of virtual cheating. "Hey, if you feel bad about the fact that your partner can't do it for you anymore and you need to imagine your hot neighbor, don't do it." Or, I could also be reaching.

I also adore the magazine's diction - imagining Christian Bale while you're in bed with a real, touchable man (I'm just using Bale as a for instance - he's not my dream guy or anything) - is healthy. There is something to be said for the fact that a healthy way of dealing with monogamy's monotony is to be with someone else, even if only in your imagination.

Well, there you go - SELF has provided us with the antidote to the complete unsustainability of romantic relationships - pretend that you're not with your mate anymore! Now, you may say - "Well, you're not doing it all the time, you're only doing it during sex." Right. You're only doing it during what is supposed to be the most intimate time in a couple's relationship; the time that for many couples, can make or break the decision to stay together. Yes, definitely do it during that time. Please.

And thank you SELF for proving my point about how difficult and virtually useless monogamy is and disguising it as useful advice. Well done.