PROTECT YO'SELF!

Have you ever had the experience if 'digging your heels in' in order to better protect yourself? If you've been hurt in the past, once you've disclosed a certain amount to someone, or divulged enough of yourself, you get this sensation in the pit of your stomach - sort of an internal warning system. An air raid goes off as a voice booms over an intercom: "Warning. You have disclosed too much. Please step away from the dangerous individual and retract any sensitive information! Repeat: you have disclosed too much!"

Once you've been screwed over, you become the Pavlov's dog of romantic relationships - except instead of salivating, you find yourself in the midst of a panic attack whenever that warm, butterfly feeling takes over. It sounds (internally) something like this "This is nice (SHIT!)" "I'm really enjoying their company (SHIT!)" "I can't wait to tell them about this! (SHIT!)" While a lot of this internal struggle is rooted in the fear of being hurt again, the majority of it is a direct result of having 20-20 vision about the result of said relationship/encounter - down the road, it is going to end. Maybe not in a month, and maybe not in a year, but at some point, those warm feelings will give way to resentment, anger, frustration, and self-loathing; and where does that get you?

As a result of this, you dig your heels in at the first sign of happiness. The resistance at least gives you the semblance of control (something that many of us forego when getting involved with someone) - which is why it hurts so damn much when we let go and get dragged across the rough terrain with nothing to protect us but our misguided faith and misplaced hope. Maybe the wild horses that drag us through the mud as we navigate the world of love will kindly slow down at some point, dust us off, and take us somewhere safe, warm, and calm...

However, since that outcome is just as likely as Christian Bale leaving his modelesque wife and declaring his undying love for 5'2" me, I'll continue to listen to the air raids. At least that way, I can do my best to dodge the shrapnel and mortar and give myself a shot in hell. I deserve at least that much, right?

What do we REALLY want?

There is always the question of what the opposite sex desires in an ideal partner. For men, the general consensus as of the new millenium is that they want an 'intelligent, independent woman who can take care of herself'. For women, it might be an 'intelligent, successful man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to express his feelings and emotions'. Throw in a nice ass and cute face for the guys and hard pecs and a great smile for the girls and you have the perfect partner, right? WRONG. Regardless of what is said, I truly believe that we go against our mental ideals constantly when we choose a partner...

It is a generally known stereotype that women like their men emotionally conscious - we want them to be able to read our moods and respond to them accordingly. Furthermore, when we start the courtship process, we want them to be open and honest with us - the more they divulge and the more they share, the better. Then I ask you: If this is indeed true, why do so many of us pursue the emotionally unavailable/emotionally crippled guy? Do we enjoy the challenge/the estrogen spike that occurs when we realize we may have to be more of a mother than a partner? When we meet someone our itemized list gets thrown right out the window as the connection with a tragically imperfect individual calls to mind the 'impossible love conquering all' scenario that we grew up with care of fairytales and Disney movies...

The same is true for men. While they profess to despise the 'damsel in distress' and they want a woman who can take care of herself, they secretly fear the independent, headstrong woman. After all, regardless of what people say, we all want to be needed. We may not feign for a codependent relationship but deep down, we want the person we're involved with to see us as irreplaceable in some way - we want to be able to give them what they can't get somewhere else. What's the point of being there otherwise, right? And to be frank, who are men trying to kid anyway? Regardless of what feminism has done for the female image, every guy wants to be his girlfriend's knight in shining armor...

Granted ladies, it's not endearing to cry at the drop of a hat or to pout when things don't go your way but at the same time, making "No, it's OK, I've got it" your favorite catchphrase can be a real blow to a man's testosterone...

There is a fine line between the 'independent woman who loves and needs you' and the 'cold-hearted bitch who doesn't care if you exist or not'. I myself have not found this happy medium, and I feel that many women (especially us living in New York City) haven't mastered it either.

Men say they don't desire the damsel in distress, but the next girl who needs her tire changed as she coyly and knowingly stares at you will inevitably hear the call of the white knight....you know it's true. Stop denying it.

Deep Thoughts...By Christine.

There is something to be said for the way different relationships are delineated. There is the obvious distinction between seeing one another vs. dating vs. being in a relationship. I am going to define these as I see them and you can feel free to correct me should you disagree:

Seeing one another: it is brand new. Rules/guidelines have yet to be established and the option of seeing other people and exploring other alternatives is there for both parties.

Dating: most likely exclusive but at the same time, the names 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' have yet to be used.

Relationship: you're together. It's official. There is no 'dating other people' or 'exploring other options'. The risk of hurt/disappointment/gut wrenching pain is highest at this point as well. Basically, you're f*cked once you've reached this level.

However, in today's world, the types of relationships you can find yourself in are more varied. With everyone recovering from a bad break-up nowadays and/or still living with an ex, the option for actual 'dating' simply doesn't exist. People are too busy licking their wounds in order to commit to another individual on any level, even if it simply means sharing a meal on a Friday night. Instead, these days we have 'friends with benefits' - individuals who appear on our doorstep when we need them the most (our sexual satisfaction meter dangerously low); fulfill our carnal desires and then depart. It is a relationship on the basest, simplest level, and many have used such arrangements to cope with a bad break-up.

However, I pose this question - is it possible for such arrangements to bring us even closer to the hurt that we're do desperately trying to avoid? Are they really fool-proof set-ups?After all, when such an arrangement happens, I am sure conversation is involved. There is an exchanging of pleasantries, the typical 'first-date' questions: "what do you do?" "where did you grow up?" "how many siblings do you have". It's really the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth date rolled up into one neat, little package. Furthermore, you're engaging in one of the most intimate acts two people can take part in so you have to constantly wonder when it goes from 'just sex' to 'holy shit, I want this person around. Dammit.'

Again, please let me know what you think but, I have had friends whose f*ck buddy relationships have turned into actual boyfriend girlfriend scenarios and then there were others that simply fizzled and died out. It's kind of funny actually - in our attempt to avoid the awkward first date, we put ourselves in the awkward position of being naked in front of someone else; in an attempt to create a no frills relationship we create one that cannot be defined, causing us to constantly wonder just what kind of arrangement we are in; and in an attempt to avoid a 'relationship', we perform an intimate act with the same person over and over again while also learning about them little by little...isn't it all the same thing?

So I guess it is true - ALL relationships between men and women, whether definable or not, are doomed to fail. Once you engage in any pseudo-romantic arrangement, the risk factor goes up and we're just as vulnerable to disappointment and hurt. I'm back people!

Please Don't Feed the Self-Sufficient Woman

I was called "fiercely independent" the other day...is that a bad thing? The word 'fiercely' likens me to a jungle cat; one who guards its independence and ability to carry heavy objects and shovel driveways with snarled teeth and a guttural growl. I found it flattering. And then, after much thought (I know, my ability to overthink and make any compliment an insult is unparalleled) I realized that there is a line can be crossed. When does self-sufficiency go from "I'm every woman, hear me roar" to "step back zookeeper/potential date...I may kill you"?

I know men say they want an independent woman - one who has her own life, is capable of making her own decisions, and maybe even capable of changing her own flat tire...but don't men also want a woman to need them on some level? If that is the case, where should the woman need them? Heavy lifting? Emotional support? Math? If you are a woman who likes taking care of herself and finds that relinquishing some of that control is frightening beyond measure, where can you bend to allow the man to feel needed without giving up your independence?

Maybe it's because it's been a while since I've been in a relationship and therefore my fear of disappointment and hurt is especially high, but I worry that relying on someone on any level is tantamount to throwing onesself into oncoming traffic (emotionally, that is). What if I get used to having you around? What if I forget how to put Swedish furniture together? What if my muscles atrophy and therefore I am no longer to lift heavy objects and/or groceries? Worst of all, what if I miss you? Now that would be too much to bear...better I do everything myself than miss or need you in my day to day life.

::SNARL:: Sorry, just protecting my independence...and my heart.

"Maybe no one's ever really loved you..."

A few posts ago, I talked about the love cult - individuals who truly believe that love can conquer all and are mortally wounded when someone does not share their beliefs. They're almost emotional, love-sick fundamentalists, ready to tear down anyone who dares to insult their God - the God of love. These are the same people who told me "Well, you've never really been in love." Fuck you. Yes I have. However, there is a flip-side to the coin, and I will explain it to you without further ado...

This different viewpoint was brought to my attention the other day - what if I have loved and lost, but the other person in the relationship never really loved me? While walking on the boardwalk I was musing over my friend's new relationship - the lengths that the man goes to in order to spend time with his girlfriend boggles my mind. As someone who has constantly gone out of my way to keep my significant other happy, the thought that it was being reciprocated by the man was almost too much for my mind to process. Wait. So you mean, he travels to you? He calls you first? He doesn't give you a hard time at the restaurant when you paid seven dollars short of your half? What on earth are you talking about?

And then, my friend turned to me and said: "It's because a man has never really loved you." The wind was knocked out of me...wow. She's right. All of the work that I put forth - the prepared meals, the travel, the moving across country, the stress - it was all for naught, not returned in kind. Realizing this, my friend quickly amended her statement: "Not yet...but you'll find him."

I don't believe her, but it was a delightful realization nonetheless, and it makes perfect sense. My relationships have always felt like exercises in futility, second and third jobs. I constantly felt like I was in a sinking life raft, and, as I struggled, a maniacal force was continually tearing holes in the already fragile hull. I was never the catalyst in my own break-ups because it was the other person who was never truly invested...they had never loved me in the way that fosters a more permanent union. Granted, I don't believe anything is permanent but there are other types of love that stand a better chance; the type of love that I have yet to experience (and doubt I ever will).

There is also another possibility...I created this atmosphere in my relationships myself. By never requiring my partner to put forth the effort, complacency inevitably resulted. I suppose the platitude "that which is easily won, is done" stands true for all of my relationships. I wish I knew how to be a girl - aloof, ever so bitchy, and just slightly unattainable. Dammit, I have a lot to learn. Tack that on to my desire to play the piano, and I've already created a very full fall season for myself.

The Risk of Attack

I am not sure if this post or rather, the metaphor I am going to use for it, is in bad taste. But, I found it to be so clever that I had to use the following analogy…bear with me.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships (shocking, I know) and I've realized something - we are never safe. Those of us that take the chance and become involved romantically with another person put ourselves at constant emotional risk. One is never safe from the inevitably heart-wrenching pitfalls that accompany each and every relationship.

I now draw your attention to the brilliant warning system that the Department of Homeland Security put together. The level of risk is broken down as follows: “Low”, “General”, “Significant”, “High”, and “Severe”. I feel that this system has been mocked to such an extent that I can use the following analogy:

Basically, we are never fully safe from a terrorist attack…and, should you decide to get romantically involved with someone, the risk of heartache/disappointment is always “low”, but never fully absent. I suppose I can better explain myself by providing a more detailed account of what each level means in the grand scheme of romantic relationships.

“Low”: You are entrenched in the relationship (maybe a couple of months) and while small disagreements may occasionally disrupt your bliss, the threat of dissolution remains “low”. Why? Well, you don’t know one another well enough yet for a complete deal-breaker to have been brought into the picture. There is no grand disagreement about the larger questions in life.
“General”: This tends to be a point in the relationship where for some reason, you’re fighting more than usual. The things they do annoy you more often than they seem endearing (about 1 or 2 years in), and you keep asking yourself “What’s going on with us? And why on earth is he chewing that way?!” However, the love still outweighs any general annoyances you may have, and the relationship, (unless the people involved have incredibly limited patience) lasts.
“Significant”: This is when we start getting into the nitty gritty of the relationship (2-4 years in) when major life decisions – moving, children, the prospect of marriage begin to factor in. These are the types of decisions that can make or break a relationship and destroy a once peaceful, love-filled union.
“High” and “Severe”: I am putting these together because “High” is just a hop, skip and a jump from “Severe”. This is when the problems that you’re facing as a couple can no longer be fixed. The “”I’m sorry”s and the “let’s just forget about it”s don’t seem to work anymore. You begin to nitpick at each other’s flaws and each and everything they do just doesn’t seem like it fits in your life anymore.

The Result: The Break-up

Granted, these stages can happen at any point in a relationship (I was just working from personal experiences), but I simply wanted to illustrate my point that relationships are always in a constant state of risk; and they always seem to be wavering between calm and catastrophe.

For me, this constant worry seems to be the main hindrance to my wanting to get involved with another person. Unfortunately, my desire to have someone to see concerts with, to turn to and smile and say, “Wasn’t that great?!” somehow outweighs this worry…DAMMIT. I guess I just wanted to point it out…

I’m losing my role as a cynical touchstone aren’t I? Before you know it, I’ll be crying while watching “Pretty in Pink”…it looks like I’m at “high risk” of becoming an optimist. We need to remedy this immediately.

R'Angry

OK, so this post is going to be a bit of a bitchfest...but you know what? I haven't had one of those in a while so I feel that it is necessary.

As I lie in bed with my laptop propped on my lap, I began to let my mind wander. Have you ever done that? Your mind starts going and eventually, once it settles on a train of thought it's like a locomotive out of control and you realize that you're lucky if you make it out alive.

Well, I had one of those moments this evening. I began to think about the platoon of men that has rejected me over the past year and then I began to think of other women that I know - absolutely remarkable, amazing women who I feel lucky to know...some of them are in relationships and some of them are not. However, for those that are, I can completely understand it. Hell, I want to spend time around them ad nauseum, so why wouldn't someone else, who can also add sexual attraction to the mix, do the same?

I lighted on this pleasant thought like a butterfly settling on a daisy when the negative thoughts kicked in...

You might say: "No! You were doing so well!" Well, I'm sorry. This blog is about being jaded so at least allow me to stick to my central thesis.

I then began to think of those women that are inherently unremarkable (to me) or better yet, those women who make it a point to use men for personal gain and/or an ego boost. What I found to be the most troubling was that it is usually these women that get the most remarkable men, and I am stuck pining away for their leftovers (only to be rejected, mind you).

These women may be cute, they may be magnetic...hell, they may even be slightly intelligent. However, the point remains that, in comparison to other single women, there is nothing inherently special about them...This frustrates the rest of us who make it our mission to constantly better ourselves so that we might become even a fraction of what our potential dictates. We do this not for men, but to create a sense of self-worth so that, when we meet a potential love interest, we have interests and hobbies to define us and provide us with, at the very least, conversation starters...

Now, I am willing to admit that many of the women I am referring to are unremarkable TO ME. I am sure to their significant others, they are the most amazing individuals, worth crossing oceans for. Unfortunately, in the interests of this blog, their opinions mean nothing to me. ::insert smiley emoticon here::

And yet, in New York City, millions of interesting, intelligent, beautiful women remain single...why? Is there a line that can be crossed when you have too much going for you? When does personal fulfillment and personal endeavors go from beneficial to completely off-putting? Furthermore, have I reached this point? Have I become so intent on being an enthralling conversationalist that I forgot how to be a girl (i.e. manipulative, bitchy, and coy?) I will give you that the previous statement was somewhat misogynistic...again, if you don't like it, get your own blog. (I told you it was going to be a bitchfest).

I suppose the point of this blog was not to argue a point (that's what tomorrow's is for) but instead, to vent more than anything. Sometimes, I have more anger than I'd like floating around inside of me so I need to find some way to let it out. Thank goodness for the Internet.

What do you think? Do you know any women or men for whom, because of reasons unbeknownst to you, dating and finding a mate just seems easier? Let me know that I'm not crazy...well, at least not in this case. Thanks.