PROTECT YO'SELF!

Have you ever had the experience if 'digging your heels in' in order to better protect yourself? If you've been hurt in the past, once you've disclosed a certain amount to someone, or divulged enough of yourself, you get this sensation in the pit of your stomach - sort of an internal warning system. An air raid goes off as a voice booms over an intercom: "Warning. You have disclosed too much. Please step away from the dangerous individual and retract any sensitive information! Repeat: you have disclosed too much!"

Once you've been screwed over, you become the Pavlov's dog of romantic relationships - except instead of salivating, you find yourself in the midst of a panic attack whenever that warm, butterfly feeling takes over. It sounds (internally) something like this "This is nice (SHIT!)" "I'm really enjoying their company (SHIT!)" "I can't wait to tell them about this! (SHIT!)" While a lot of this internal struggle is rooted in the fear of being hurt again, the majority of it is a direct result of having 20-20 vision about the result of said relationship/encounter - down the road, it is going to end. Maybe not in a month, and maybe not in a year, but at some point, those warm feelings will give way to resentment, anger, frustration, and self-loathing; and where does that get you?

As a result of this, you dig your heels in at the first sign of happiness. The resistance at least gives you the semblance of control (something that many of us forego when getting involved with someone) - which is why it hurts so damn much when we let go and get dragged across the rough terrain with nothing to protect us but our misguided faith and misplaced hope. Maybe the wild horses that drag us through the mud as we navigate the world of love will kindly slow down at some point, dust us off, and take us somewhere safe, warm, and calm...

However, since that outcome is just as likely as Christian Bale leaving his modelesque wife and declaring his undying love for 5'2" me, I'll continue to listen to the air raids. At least that way, I can do my best to dodge the shrapnel and mortar and give myself a shot in hell. I deserve at least that much, right?