PROTECT YO'SELF!

Have you ever had the experience if 'digging your heels in' in order to better protect yourself? If you've been hurt in the past, once you've disclosed a certain amount to someone, or divulged enough of yourself, you get this sensation in the pit of your stomach - sort of an internal warning system. An air raid goes off as a voice booms over an intercom: "Warning. You have disclosed too much. Please step away from the dangerous individual and retract any sensitive information! Repeat: you have disclosed too much!"

Once you've been screwed over, you become the Pavlov's dog of romantic relationships - except instead of salivating, you find yourself in the midst of a panic attack whenever that warm, butterfly feeling takes over. It sounds (internally) something like this "This is nice (SHIT!)" "I'm really enjoying their company (SHIT!)" "I can't wait to tell them about this! (SHIT!)" While a lot of this internal struggle is rooted in the fear of being hurt again, the majority of it is a direct result of having 20-20 vision about the result of said relationship/encounter - down the road, it is going to end. Maybe not in a month, and maybe not in a year, but at some point, those warm feelings will give way to resentment, anger, frustration, and self-loathing; and where does that get you?

As a result of this, you dig your heels in at the first sign of happiness. The resistance at least gives you the semblance of control (something that many of us forego when getting involved with someone) - which is why it hurts so damn much when we let go and get dragged across the rough terrain with nothing to protect us but our misguided faith and misplaced hope. Maybe the wild horses that drag us through the mud as we navigate the world of love will kindly slow down at some point, dust us off, and take us somewhere safe, warm, and calm...

However, since that outcome is just as likely as Christian Bale leaving his modelesque wife and declaring his undying love for 5'2" me, I'll continue to listen to the air raids. At least that way, I can do my best to dodge the shrapnel and mortar and give myself a shot in hell. I deserve at least that much, right?

What do we REALLY want?

There is always the question of what the opposite sex desires in an ideal partner. For men, the general consensus as of the new millenium is that they want an 'intelligent, independent woman who can take care of herself'. For women, it might be an 'intelligent, successful man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to express his feelings and emotions'. Throw in a nice ass and cute face for the guys and hard pecs and a great smile for the girls and you have the perfect partner, right? WRONG. Regardless of what is said, I truly believe that we go against our mental ideals constantly when we choose a partner...

It is a generally known stereotype that women like their men emotionally conscious - we want them to be able to read our moods and respond to them accordingly. Furthermore, when we start the courtship process, we want them to be open and honest with us - the more they divulge and the more they share, the better. Then I ask you: If this is indeed true, why do so many of us pursue the emotionally unavailable/emotionally crippled guy? Do we enjoy the challenge/the estrogen spike that occurs when we realize we may have to be more of a mother than a partner? When we meet someone our itemized list gets thrown right out the window as the connection with a tragically imperfect individual calls to mind the 'impossible love conquering all' scenario that we grew up with care of fairytales and Disney movies...

The same is true for men. While they profess to despise the 'damsel in distress' and they want a woman who can take care of herself, they secretly fear the independent, headstrong woman. After all, regardless of what people say, we all want to be needed. We may not feign for a codependent relationship but deep down, we want the person we're involved with to see us as irreplaceable in some way - we want to be able to give them what they can't get somewhere else. What's the point of being there otherwise, right? And to be frank, who are men trying to kid anyway? Regardless of what feminism has done for the female image, every guy wants to be his girlfriend's knight in shining armor...

Granted ladies, it's not endearing to cry at the drop of a hat or to pout when things don't go your way but at the same time, making "No, it's OK, I've got it" your favorite catchphrase can be a real blow to a man's testosterone...

There is a fine line between the 'independent woman who loves and needs you' and the 'cold-hearted bitch who doesn't care if you exist or not'. I myself have not found this happy medium, and I feel that many women (especially us living in New York City) haven't mastered it either.

Men say they don't desire the damsel in distress, but the next girl who needs her tire changed as she coyly and knowingly stares at you will inevitably hear the call of the white knight....you know it's true. Stop denying it.