I have maintained a certain air of cynicism throught my various posts; and it's a cynicism I am incredibly proud of. However, I've realized that those type of convictions can only be successfully maintained when one does not have outside factors seeking to fan the internal flame of romantic attachment.

Let me explain. As I've written these blog posts, I've maintained a happy distance between myself and 'love'. It was easy to fault individuals for feeling emotionally elated over having met a possible life partner because, truth be told, I never had to worry about experiencing that myself. When you spend your evenings watching "Parks and Recreation" drinking Sleepytime tea, it is easy to feel high and mighty and almost (I am very sorry to say) somewhat superior to the poor saps who sit at home nursing a broken heart.

Well, ladies and gentlmen, I have realized that, sadly, I am completely susceptible to the blind optimism that affects so many. In fact, I am just as entrenched in the mucky muck of love and devotion as the rest of you.

As of late, (and I will refrain from describing the exact situation for right now), I have had stars in my eyes. I have believed that emotional unavailability could switch if one fostered trust and simply waited for the other individual to get with the program and start wanting what they had initially said they didn't want.

News Flash! That never happens. Because I had so deeply cared for this person, I had waited for that magical switch to happen...I read into every. single. action - a caring effort to sweep the hair away from my eyes, a phone call to see how my day went, an impromptu visit to the grocery store. I became the most inept detective ever has I attempted to piece these meaningless pieces of evidence together and tried to create a relationship out of it. Needless to say, it never worked.

And then, even after confessing my feelings and receiving not even a closure-inducing 'fuck you' but instead, painful silence (which is worse), I had hoped that maybe things just needed to sink in for this person. Maybe...they just needed more time. Again, I was wrong.

So, what have I learned during this entire thing? Apparently, nothing; but also, everything. I have learned that my initial belief that love is bullshit certainly held true. It is oftentimes uneven, painful, and insanity inducing and always, never worth the goddamn trouble. I think I will stick to my Celestial Seasonings evenings with Leslie Knope and Tom Haverford before I ever allow this sick feeling to take over me again. That's actually the perfect way to describe it - SICK. Not only are the physical aftereffects unpleasant (sleeplessness, exhaustion, perpetual stomachache) but you also feel slightly insane as your ability to construct logical equations collapses before you. So, wait, (you say to yourself), A + B doesn't necessarily equal C? Intellectual and physical compatibility + mutual respect doesn't equal at least the possibility of a relationship? What...the...(insert expletive).

Yours,
Love sick.