Is there really a middle ground during those initial stages of a relationship? What I mean is, when one is navigating a brand new romantic interaction how much is too much, and how much is too little?
Unless we are a wide-eyed, naive dater, we all know about 'the game' - the constant push and pull of keeping the person 'on the hook' while also keeping ourselves available for other opportunities as well as protecting ourselves from disappointment and hurt. We want to exhibit interest so that the person doesn't feel like their efforts are for naught, but we also want to show that we 'have our own lives'. Where does the balancing act find its end? When does the seesaw come to that perfect place of balance where equal weight rests on either side? Does that state of equilibrium even exist?
I find that, in my efforts to show cool indifference, I can often come off as bored...tired even. This is not my intention, obviously. But the same sort of worry overcomes me when I am 'too eager'. I don't want you to know that I was looking forward to hearing from you or that I have a story that I couldn't wait to tell you. That would be utterly ridiculous if I made you privy to such things. So, I try to find that unattainable balance...
However, what often occurs is often a schizophrenic Christine - one who is overly eager one day and indifferent and unenthused the next. There is no telling where she'll end up on any given day (hell, she surprises me 90% of the time). An internal struggle even accompanies each mood:
Enthusiastic Christine: "Yo, turn it down. He's on the phone, you can talk to him. Limit your conversation to 60 words a minute please..."
Indifferent Christine: "Hey, cadaver. Lighten up! Let him know you're excited to hear from him. Hell, at least laugh at a joke! Jesus."
There is no telling where I'll end up where that phone rings. I just have to hope that as I hit the answer button, Charlie Sheen inhabits my body and I find that balance - I am no longer on this end or that end of the spectrum but rather, I'm bi-winning. Here's hoping.
